Conflict Resolution
Lesson 1: Styles of Conflict Management
Introduction
Welcome to a series of lessons on Conflict management. While the whole Next Kid Framework is a picture of your responsibility as a leader, these lessons build upon the Leadership Development lessons as part of the Next Kid Framework from year 1 and London. Think - how can I better grow those I lead? It will be helpful for you to make connections from what you are learning in these lessons to the bigger picture, the Next Kid Framework.
While all topics this year are about leading others and supervision, this first set of lessons will focus on conflict resolution management. You will inevitably have people you lead in conflict with each other and you will be in conflict with others. Through these lessons, you will become more self-aware of your conflict styles, how to manage others through conflict, and how to have hard conversations leading to a resolution.
Scripture and Conflict
There are so many stories in Scripture of people handling conflict well and poorly. Before you dig into the lessons you might want to spend time looking at a passage or two looking at what God’s heart is towards conflict. Below are some suggestions:
- Matthew 18
- Ephesians 4:1-16
- Consider stories where Jesus handled conflict
- David & Abigal
- Paul confronting conflict in Philemon
Pause and Reflect
To prepare you for these lessons, do some personal reflection to see how you enter this topic of conflict resolution.
- Who are the three people you spend the most time with? Write down their names. It could be a spouse, roommate, co-worker, friend, etc)
- For each name, think about the last time you and that person conflicted with one another. How did you all resolve the conflict? (no need to revisit what the conflict was, but HOW did you resolve it? Not resolving the conflict is considered an answer). This is only for your reflection, so be as honest as you can with yourself.
You and Conflict
Each of us has our default conflict style but that doesn’t mean that we do not use other styles according to the person or the situation. In this lesson, we will learn five conflict styles: Avoiding, Competing, Collaborating, Accommodating, and Compromise. You will learn about your default conflict style, the good and bad of your style, and some skills to adapt to other conflict styles.
Through divisional discussions, you will get to practice skills in managing different conflict styles.
Lesson Objectves
- Discover your default conflict style
- To learn to articulate the strengths and weaknesses of different conflict styles
- Develop skills to manage healthy conflict resolution.
Why we learn to manage conflict:
In Young Life, we are in the business of people. Anytime you work with people, conflict is going to happen! The ultimate goal is not to have no conflict but to work through conflict well, not only to a resolution but to joy and hope - time and time again.
Why is it important to solve conflict?
Example stories of Healthy Conflict and Story of Unhealthy Conflict
Conflict Management Styles
We are going to learn about the five Killman Conflict Styles. As you listen to each style and hear stories of what the styles look like in real life, take note of which styles feel familiar to your way of managing conflict and which feel uncomfortable to you. Each style has its skills associated with it, when it is underused and when it is overused.
Conflict Definition: any situation in which your conversion or desires differ from those of another person.
Healthy Goal of Conflict: In healthy conflict management, the goal is not to determine who is right, but what is right.
Both parties need to be open to more solutions than just their own - even a third or fourth option.
Conflict Styles: We will learn five conflict management styles. When choosing a conflict style you should consider the situation and the skills you have. Not one style is best for every situation.
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES DEFINED.
As you read through the styles presented listed below, try to think of a personal example from your life or one you have witnessed for each of the styles. As you go through these styles of conflict management, consider your own culture. There might be times when the same style looks different in different cultures.
Competing
You want to win without seeking to cooperate. Might be appropriate in emergencies or there is little time to make a decision.
Uses: My way or the highway!
- Taking quick action
- Making unpopular decisions
- Standing for vital issues
- Protecting yourself
Competing Skills
- Arguing or debating
- Using rank, position or influence
- Asserting your opinions and feelings
- Standing your ground
- Stating your position clearly
Overuse of Competing
- Lack of feedback
- Reduced Learning
- Low Empowerment
- Surrounded by “yes people”
Underuse
- Restricted Influence
- Indecision
- Delayed action
- Withholding of contributions
Collaborating
Win-win approach. This is often good for complex solutions where you can create a new framework to include others' ideas. This is inclusive and cooperative. This takes time, humility, and trust. Doing what is right, not who is right. Serves the greater good.
Uses: two heads are better than one
- Integrating solutions
- Learning
- Merging perspectives
- Gaining commitment
- Improving relationships
Skills
- Ability to listen, understand, and empathize
- Non-threatening confrontation
- Input analysis
- Identifying underlying concerns
Overuse
- Too much time on trivial matters
- Diffused responsibility
- People who take advantage
- Work overload
Underuse
- Mutual gains deprivation
- Lack of commitment
- Low empowerment
- Loss of innovation
Compromising
Works for temporary solutions but could fall for the trap of it being an easy way out.
Uses: Let's make a deal
- Resolving issues of moderate importance
- Reaching a solution with equal power and strong commitment
- Creating temporary solutions
- Dealing with time constraints
- Backing up - competing/collaborating
Skills
- Negotiating
- Finding “middle ground”
- Making concessions
- Assessing value
Overuse
- Lack of big-picture perspective
- Lack of trust
- Cynical climate
Underuse
- Unnecessary confrontations
- Frequent power struggles
- Inability to negotiate effectively
Avoiding
You ignore the issue. You do not pursue your own opinion or the opinion of others. Would be appropriate when the issue is trivial or no chance of winning. Or when the atmosphere is emotionally charged and you need to create space to address the conflict at a later time
Uses: I’ll think about it tomorrow
- Leaving unimportant issues alone
- Reducing tensions
- Buying time
- Knowing your limitations
- Allowing others ownership
- Recognizing issues as symptoms
Skills
- Withdrawing
- Sidestepping
- Sense of timing
- Ability to leave things unresolved
Overuse
- Lack of input from you
- Decisions made by default
- Festering issues
- Climate of caution
Underuse
- Hostility/ hurt feelings
- Work Overload - too many causes
- Lack of prioritization/ delegation
Accommodating
This is serving the needs of others and not your own. This might be effective when the other person is the expert or preserving future relations. Might accommodate allowing the other person to fail (not force someone to make a decision) or exercise the right to choose.
Example: Still loving kids despite them saying no to Jesus.
Uses: It would be my pleasure
- Showing reasonableness
- Developing performance
- Creating goodwill
- Keeping “peace”
- Retreating
- Maintain Perspective
Skills
- Forging your desires
- Selflessness
- Obedience
- Ability to Yield
Overuse
- Overlooked ideas
- Restricted Influence
- Loss of contribution
- Anarchy
Underuse
- Lack of rapport
- Low Morale
- By-the-book reputation
- Inability to yield
Optional Overall Summary Video
Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model Explained
Pause and Reflect
Personally (5 minutes)
- Which style did you commonly see your parents use growing up?
- Which do you see commonly used in your culture?
- Think about the teams you are on or lead. Which style tends to be your default with those people?
Let's Discover Your Default Style…
Consider the below questions to help you rank your styles 1-5. 1 is the one you use the most often and feel the most comfortable using or managing. 5 is one you do not like. This will determine which styles are your default styles and which styles you need some practice.
*Be sure to share this list with your iREP if you are not doing these lessons in person.
- Which conflicts or conversations do you find most difficult? WHY?
- When did you last use your conflict management style to one that was less comfortable - but it brought you a better outcome?
- Compare your Young Life Role and your home life - which styles do you use at home and which ones do you use in your working relationship? Why do you use those styles?
- Are there any styles you use the most or never at all?
Pause and Reflect/Group Discussion
- Consider your default styles - when have they been helpful to you?
- Consider your default styles - when have they been unhelpful to you?
- Consider a real, current conflict you are experiencing right now - which style would be best suited for that conflict?
Culture Matters!
Just like we discovered in our supervision lessons, culture matters in how we engage in relationships with others - especially those we work with. Let's discuss what cultural bias we carry into managing conflict.
Pause and Reflect Discussion:
What impact does culture have on our conflict management styles? Consider all elements of culture: church, doctrinal bias, work, work title geography, generational, gender, race, family traditions, social status, honor, shame, etc. Compare your personal experiences. Consider what creates unity in your cultural tradition.
For your next divisional call:
- Bring your ranking 1-5 of your conflict styles because you will do a group activity with these results.
- Be prepared to discuss how culture impacts conflict resolution.
Pause and Reflect Personally
Think about a Young Life interpersonal conflict that you were a part of or witnessed and make note of the story.
- What was the conflict?
- What style did you or someone you observed use?
- What was the outcome?
In this lesson, we learned our need to adapt to uncomfortable conflict management skills. This will help you choose the correct style for the given situation. In the next session, we will move toward the dialogue skills collaboratively.
Action STeps
- Identify one conflict that you want to work on when you get home using collaboration. Share the result with the divisional Whatsapp group within a week.
